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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Since Black Jack's been gone...

Gone for one month… "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~ Nathaniel Hawthorne” Sounds like Black Jack ‘speaking’…?
Since his departure: many, many sometimes mixed and confusing feelings and thoughts… I’m finding myself in a very unfamiliar space. Although I’ve experienced ‘voids’ before it was never quite like this. At one point as I was missing Black Jack desperately I realized that was focusing outside myself just as has been my tendency perhaps in order to hide from myself. So I asked myself, what would no longer hiding behind dogs, family, significant others, etc. look like? Wouldn’t it look more like living precisely as our dogs DO live—self-focused, no worries, always being completely present in the moment? And how would that translate into the ‘real’ world? I sensed a calm, serene strength… With no worries, the river of Good would automatically flow more smoothly—would gently guide me along. What does it really take to jump aboard that boat?
I’ve been accused of “Pollyanna-ish-ness” all my life and it’s time to realize this is a part of the masterpiece that I Am—I’m actually proud of it! It’s really not a bad way to live. There’s no need to strive to accomplish great things but rather to become the very best ME I can be, naiveté included.
Then today, on the day my boy has been gone for a whole month, while I miss him dreadfully one moment, it also feels somehow as if he was never here. That is heartbreaking on one hand and I know it must mean something on the other.
It’s really difficult to put into words all the unusual feelings and emotions that being responsible for only myself for the first time in life is evoking. So I’m “sitting back quietly” letting it all be okay, knowing Life “alights upon me”… Without Black Jack’s physical body to constantly focus on and care for, it seems much easier to hear his communications now…
Thank you my dear, dear boy!!

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