My 'doggie' Christmas tree!

As of yesterday, December 8, my beloved boy Black Jack had been gone 4 months. Without either Katie Lou (who passed in 2007) or him here for the holidays, I was sort of missing them. SO I decorated my Christmas tree with some of their favorite stuffed toys to feel closer to them.

They so loved their 'babies'...especially Katie. She used to line them up on the couch when I was gone and tried to take them outside with her--Black Jack preferred his big floppy monkey (not pictured). This tree is bringing back wonderful memories and lots of smiles for me this holiday season. I'm sharing so that others of you might do the same if it would give you the same comfort! (Note my drawings of each of them 'watching over' the tree...)

MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR from all 3 of us...!!

At last another message from BLACK JACK!

11/15/10 Another long awaited message from my precious boy, BLACK JACK! Day was here again this afternoon and shared with me that he always knows when she’s coming to give me my massage. Today during her drive, she was deep in thought, wondering if she’d made a wise choice in her life (similar to the difficult choice I had to make to help Jack leave his aged body 3 months ago). He came to her with the gift of comforting rapturous warmth, love, happiness.
She knew it was not only an affirmation that she had done the loving thing but also a message for his Mom, too. He wanted to remind me how blissfully happy he is and most importantly that I never forget how much he will forever love me. I always made sure in my lifetime with him that he was comfortable, cozy and warm in winter and so he was now returning that magnificently soothing, reassuring feeling to both of us. What more could a mother wish for…?

Black Jack's BUTTERFLY FRIEND!

10/12/10 I have now adopted one of Black Jack's golden yellow butterfly friends--wounded! As you can see his wings just don't work right. I found him on Monday morning 10/11 trying valiantly to fly from my back patio. Right away I took him out to the weeds in the field where they like to play. Since it's getting colder at night I was concerned but he was still clinging in the same spot the next morning, wings folded to the side. All day Tuesday I 'worried' over him, bringing him in out of the heat and sun attached to a branch of the plant he was perched on. When I could safely do so, he went back outside in the shade and this morning he was still in the same condition.
He's inside again, this time on one of my misted houseplants. I feel helpless to try to 'fix' his broken wings and was pretty sad about that on Monday. The average butterfly lifespan is 2 to 14 days...up to 3 weeks... some live to 11 months and the Monarch a year... female butterflies have longer lives than males... I wonder how long I will be graced with his/her presence? AND I wonder what the message is...

More messages from my 'kids'!!

9/30/10 I couldn’t wait to share with anyone who wants to 'listen' that there is no way I can ever feel alone! Today a “KATIE LOU leaf” appeared--no tree to match—the same kind that romped along beside me shortly after she died. THEN, a magnificent BLACK butterfly hovered around me…after all the colored ones BLACK JACK has sent since he passed, how could this not be a ‘howdy’ from my boy--AND my girl?!

BLACK JACK'S Farewell!

9/27/10 Mom felt like my dying simply “ripped a piece right out of her heart” I know, but I keep telling her we had it all. What’s really important is to remember that we both filled one another’s hearts so full and blessed one another so much during our many years together. I immediately and for almost two months now have kept telling Mom that I am very happy and busy, so she did begin feeling better right away.
My love still surrounds and inspires her just as it did when I was there in body. Nevertheless she has felt like she’s sort of been floundering. You see, Mom has always strived to be her best, to serve in the greatest capacity. Without me to care for she has felt as if she needs to be doing more than just nurturing herself, going into that quiet place where she can get the answers for moving forward in the best direction for her. Well, I sure did ‘message’ her the other day! She took a few minutes to journal (when she was not feeling it would be under the pressure of a “should”). Her mind finally went blank for further writing so she got up discouraged that her writing hand didn’t give her any more clues.
This time an email offered her an inspiration. It relieved her to realize that being gentle with herself, simply asking for guidance and then letting the answers happen is the very best way for her to be living right now. No striving, struggle, pushing, impatiently trying to force ‘getting on with’ her life—as quite frankly has always been her inclination.
Although Mom does very little cooking, a cooking blog movie had moved Mom to begin blogging about my aging and care, eventually giving me the reins to write it through her. So this time, ironically (no accident, really) a cooking blog writer began by sharing some very personal feelings which gave Mom the idea once again. She thought, “Maybe it’s time to get back to blogging again…it would keep me writing not only to satisfy that creative urge, but also give me more impetus to ‘journal’, getting in touch with myself on a deeper level.”
Then I ‘suggested’ she tap into her Higher self and let that energy fuel the new blogging.
So today I, Black Jack, do hereby turn over Mom’s care and ‘feeding’ to Judy…(never fear, I won’t be far away—ever). Now you may say, “Well, Mom IS Judy”, but I’m talking about the “mini-Judy” if you will--the wise, innocent child Judy. Some folks call it their ‘inner child’, I believe.
Have fun, Mom! I’ll be playing right along beside you!!
Mom was so excited to begin that she could hardly sleep that night!

BLACK JACK'S Memoirs

MEMOIRS OF A DOG’S LIFE
By Black Jack Nelson
May 25, 1991 – August 8, 2010
(7,003 wonderful days with my BEST FRIEND Judy!)

NICKNAMES (I affectionately acquired): “Monkey face”, Jack-o-lantern, Jack-in the-box, Jack-o, Jumpin’ Jack, BJ, Jackpot, Fat Jack (because my daddy Benji’s guardian was named Jack, a ‘rotund’ man) and “Alligator jaws” *see explanation below…
ON PUPPYHOOD: I was such a playful, outgoing puppy—not a care in the world! I even loved everyone early on… When we barely had our eyes open we could get out and romp with one another. I remember there were toys there and shoestrings! There were so many fun things to do I kept really busy, even rolling off the little ledge in all my enthusiasm.
Before we all took that dreaded trip to the vet, I felt “amorous” toward my ‘real’ mom, Sassi (and acted on it) which didn’t seem to go over very well…
Mom says I was passionate about everything—and quite a ‘momma’s boy’, always wanting to be very near my mommy. This made her aerobic and floor exercising extra challenging.
ON PLAYTIME: One of my favorite things ever was digging in dirt when we had a grassy backyard in Nebraska—even when it was muddy. When we moved to Arizona Mom discovered I was reminiscing in the nose level flowerpots! Sadly she was clever enough to put big rocks in them to deter me.
Also when we lived in Nebraska, we loved to go racing, barking to say hello to the neighbor dogs when Mom let us out in our backyard. Our only experience in snow happened there, too. Man, my being so well endowed with such short legs, sure made it pretty tough to do my ‘business’! And that white, cold stuff seemed to cling in snowballs to everything especially my then long beautiful hair.
It was really fun when Mom finally taught me some tricks…in fact, it was so exciting my whole body just quivered awaiting the commands. I could sit, wait really well and find hidden cookies inside just about anything, like boxes, newspapers, bags, jars, etc.
My all time favorite toy became a thread bare monkey who was great for pretend killing, shaking and running around the house with his arms and legs flopping from my mouth. I see Mom just put him on ‘my self’… It is so sweet: she made a sort of ‘memorial’ shelf for both Katie and me on her entertainment center to help her remember us better.
ON WALKING: It was fun when Mom walked us two dogs together. I was always far out in the lead acting as if I were ready to go to the ends of the world. Katie always lagged behind more and more as she got older. Mom always joked that I was too busy to read or sniff out anything but the aromatic headlines of past occurrences along the way, while Katie wanted to read every word of every article. This was compounded by her decreasing eyesight in her later years, which didn’t keep her from going in for the ‘kill’ if I even woofed at something. We were quite a team. And you should have witnessed the “leash dance” Mom had to do if she stopped to chat with a neighbor, since we insisted on going round and round them.
I was always so excited to ‘get there’ I pushed with my hind legs (Mom said it looked pretty funny following me). You see, I always wanted to be first, fastest and go the longest, kind of like my Mom actually! Now, were I to come across a juicy (i.e. stinky) morsel, Mom was hard pressed to be strong enough to get my ‘alligator jaws’ to release it. I know she was always concerned about it not being good for me, but boy, I wanted it!
Eventually I had a difficult time walking so those cherished daily walks dwindled, then had to stop. Finally I lost use of me darn right rear leg almost entirely and the other was very weak—maybe I pushed those two back legs too hard through the years... Then Mom needed to carry me outside and hold me while I did my ‘business’. She even devised a belt to help hold me up so she didn’t have to stoop over. And my inside wandering area had to be even smaller, to include only my beds and dishes because otherwise I would fall and hit my head on the floor repeatedly before I could regain my footing. Finally I could barely hobble from bed to food… We made it work, though, as long as we could.
ON EATING: Which brings me to eating! Even suckling on my ‘real’ mom Sassi before my eyes were open, I once ate too much and got so bloated my people we were concerned. I was so roly poly, I’d roll right off the little step in our play area.
Katie and I both loved to catch popcorn in our mouths as it was tossed to us. I loved food so much that at the end of my life when I had little reaction to much of anything I still perked up at the smell of a can of tuna fish being opened.
Fact is, I loved eating so much I would eat my food and then check everyone else’s food & treats, stealing even from ferocious Katie Lou if I had the chance. Mom finally had to separate us at dinner time when Katie couldn’t see anymore to defend her food bowl.
Eventually though, I couldn’t chew my precious biscuits any more and Mom even had to blend my soft dog food—but it sure tasted just as good lapped up as chewed. When I ended up having trouble even finding my food, I became very messy instead of ‘inhaling’ like I once did.
ON SLEEPING: I remember sleeping on a very high bed in the motor home that we lived in for a number of years. Then I preferred curling up in little round beds that a friend gave us when her dogs outgrew them. Finally they got too high for me to maneuver so that’s when Mom used the two halves of a crate also keeping me corralled a bit. Even those were getting a bit high for me in the end.
Mom used to think my tongue must be too long for my mouth because the tip used to peek out when I slept, even becoming dry! But that didn’t disturb my sweet dreams.
PERSONALITY: Mom always said I wanted to please and I must admit that’s true. Even during the “trying to break the ice” game we all played when we were puppies, I’d give up my spot for others. Some would frown on this as submissive but it sure made life more peaceful.
And what is it with humans, wanting to dress us in funny clothes! The coats and shirts I had to get used to were enough. But I resigned myself to this humiliation, too, since it gave Mom so much pleasure.
Then there was paw painting, usually called finger painting I think! Messy, but oh well, it’s nice for Mom to have those paintings--some composites done with our mothers a very long time ago.
Robyn used to be appalled when she saw that Mom had me wearing the pink harness Sugar I used to wear, but we dogs don’t care if pink is called a ‘girlie’ color or not!
Bathing was never really a joy…even at the end of my life the threat of a bath perked me up.
So I guess my job with my keen hearing and sight was to alert Mom and/or Katie to any strange noises—and I was very good at it. The doorbell was the most fun to sound the alarm to so both Katie and I could go rushing to the door barking our heads off .
Now, there WAS some mischief that I got myself into…I seemed to have more than a penchant for ‘stinky’ things, especially what was called “feminine products”. We used to live in a large Las Vegas home with many occupants and one day I came down the long stairway proudly carrying one such prize. Well for whatever reason that caused a really big fuss and from then on, sadly, all garbage/trash containers were put out of my reach for the rest of my life.
My car sickness plagued Mom in my early years since she loved to drive us to many places. She prized her red convertible and after one long winding uphill climb she couldn’t stop before I hurled breakfast beside her bucket seat, not really reachable for thorough cleanup--ever. Of course I did my best, but… Thank goodness I outgrew this affliction because Mom really had the ‘travel bug’. I’m also really happy I could finally totally relax on drives, too, after I no longer was inundated by all the little and big frightening noises as well as gigantic scary objects out the window. Even when the car would just kick up a pebble, I’d be scrambling for Mom’s lap.
Katie taught me about the “vacuum cleaner game”. She acted like it was a big, fierce monster to be attacked and killed before it ‘got’ us. And maybe that’s what she in fact thought; nevertheless I joined right in. Mom actually had to try to get us out of the room or be sure Katie was sleeping soundly enough before she ran it. Maybe that’s why Mom’s never really gotten back in the habit of using it much…
Men seemed to be my enemies after the puppy stage. I’m not sure why because they never really mistreated me. Perhaps they were just different from Mom. But I was super friendly once they proved themselves to be safe.
Once I nipped at someone! When I was a puppy, someone reached toward me from a car. Well, I didn’t know but what they were going to take me from Mom, so I let them know that would not be allowed. Then when I was losing my sight and hearing the whole world seemed frightening until I adjusted some.
Groomers and other professionals were always in complete control and therefore I never, ever got a bad report on my behavior until my senses waned during my later years. One time the groomer actually broke my leash trying to restrain me. So Mom eventually got to comfort and hold me during all grooming sessions. I even had to have some of it done the last time in Mom’s lap since my legs didn’t want to hold me up any more.
ON HEALTH & HANDSOMENESS: Mom likes telling how she helped with my conception. Only two of us were born to Sassi and Benji. I’m sure glad I got the looks; I hear my sister was ugly. Seems she got the terrier part from daddy, I got the silky from him, the black & white coloring from my mother.
During my younger days, one lower canine tooth protruded from my mouth. Some thought it made me look ferocious, others just silly.
My hearing was always quite, perhaps too, acute. At home, even quiet noises such as the 'click' when the furnace came on made me very nervous. Sometimes I became inconsolable. I’d try to hide on highest point, even shoulders, if they were available, clinging and pushing against the person. I WAS afraid of noises but when I could no longer hear, except possibly for certain pitches, my life became very solitary and quiet, especially after Katie left. I was also only able to see movement & shadows during my later days.
Until my skin began getting flaky and thinning I was always very healthy. Mom had lots of tests done but there was nothing conclusive. She began a diet to figure out if I was allergic to something, but that made me really sick. It didn’t bother me in any way, so we learned to live without my beautiful coat of hair. I ended up with quite a wardrobe of shirts and coats. Our neighbor, who loved both Katie & me, gifted me with 3 Hawaiian shirts. Mom kept trying to find coats that fit my super long body, having to remake some of them. I think Mom liked me best in the red one with the iridescent stripes and a pocket.
Then I’d used my wonderful body so well and so long, it just finally wore out. Even on my last night, the vet told Mom she was surprised that I looked so young at age 19+.
THE FLOOD STORY: Then there was the flood of 1993. Mom rescued all 5 of us dogs from having to tread water and put us all in a large crate. Even though Katie and her mom couldn’t even be in the same room together without fighting, we were all aware and wise enough keep it ‘zipped’. As we waited for the rescue boat into the wee hours of the morning, and all the way to shelter there was rarely a peep out of us. Mom only had to do a reminder tap on the top of the crate those couple of times and we got the message.
ON MOTORHOME LIVING: For a number of years Mom, Katie Lou and I lived and traveled together in a motor home. We even went to Mexico a several times, necessitating legal documents, the red tape for which Mom hated. Those Mexican roads were a challenge for Mom. Once when driving around a curve, the refrigerator door popped open, flinging a cabbage down the aisle toward Katie. That was the first time she’d ever jumped right into Mom’s lap when she was trying to drive. If I could have I’d have laughed out loud!
One time Mom took a 4 day side trip and found a good Mexican vet where several of us were boarded. I was so nervous I couldn’t potty the whole time. When Mom came back and took me in her safe arms, it all let loose—all over her! Once again I had tried…
ON KATIE LOU: Katie Lou, my Lhasa Apso 'cousin' was born just a couple of weeks before I was. We lived together nearly her entire life, almost 16 years.
Even after Mom was able to find homes for all the other puppies when we were born, deciding to keep Katie and me for herself, she hesitated to discipline effectively because I was quite timid and fearful, showing signs of cowering over the slightest raised voice—this wasn’t good...
Katie Lou would play with me early on, but more of the time, she was bullying me and causing my life to be a bit like hell. Mom always said I most certainly deserved better and I’m so pleased I had those 3+ years of peaceful ‘alone time’ with just Mom!
Once when we were visiting a friend Mom let herself be talked into trying a shock collar on Katie Lou because she didn’t like her barking at his neighbors. I believe Katie may have lost a little of her mind at that time. Later in the evening, when she was on Mom’s lap, she growled at ME and even tried to nip Mom!
THE DETAILS in a NUTSHELL: In 1990 and 1991 Mom attempted to purchase a Kennel in Cottonwood, AZ. It was badly misrepresented, including the line of Lhasa Apsos that were a part of the purchase. She would learn later they not only had physical/neurological problems, but also tended toward aggression.
Then the Kennel purchase fell through and Mom had ‘rescued’ all the remaining puppies and their breeder parents—in total about 10 dogs. There was no time for obedience training and so we pretty much trained her! On our mini-ranch five of us dogs were allowed to sleep on Mom’s bed at night and she would simply separate them (never me) when a fight broke out.
Mom had used my parents to breed a puppy for a client. My mom, Sassi, was a purebred Lhasa Apso, dad, Benji, a Silky mix. The intended ‘guardian’ for this puppy wasn't able to take him after all, for which Mom and I are both grateful! I was a Lhasa Apso mix, born 5/25/91, and lived with my Mom my entire 19.3 years. Always weighing about 15 lbs. (because Mom always monitored my eating), my height was about 12" at the shoulder; my black body had some white markings (‘tuxedo shirt’ chest and very tips of my toes) and brown eyes. Mom kept my luscious (if I may say so myself), manageable, silky hair an inch or so long just for convenience, because she had to care for so many dogs. Eventually as it thinned I had to be kept covered for warmth and protection from the sun when I was outside. I felt like my duties were to be Mom’s companion, alerting her and/or Katie to any strange noises, then when Katie passed I was her only companion and we could simply ‘be’ gently together. My favorite activities or hobbies were LOVING my daily walks, my ‘pet’ monkey, eating and eventually some training, i.e. sit, wait, etc. which I was so excited to do!
I always lived indoors, sleeping with Mom or where I wanted to in our home in our small community subdivision. I ended up mostly in either my daytime or nighttime bed beside Mom’s. At the very end I needed and wanted to be more confined because I was disoriented from lack of sight/hearing and would wander getting lost even stuck under or behind furniture—that was awful and scary. So I then slept almost all of the time in one of my two beds in the kitchen area Mom enclosed for me, close to my food.
All in all THAT WAS A FULL, HAPPY LIFE!!

VISIT from Black Jack!

9/14/10 Today the butterflies are orange and plentiful!!
Yesterday my boy came for a lengthy visit! I had been trying to mask the discouragement that he had sent butterflies and a heart shaped cloud as messengers and nothing from him. And I felt further discouragement when Day said she hadn’t heard from him either. Since he always loved the energy generated during my wonderful massages from Day’s healing hands, however, it is no wonder that in the middle of my massage she had to stop and focus on him. She said he had been listening to our conversation and agreeing with what we were saying—that his life was complete, that were he to have left sooner I might not have taken the time to just focus on Judy (reminding me that he chose to stay to get as much time as he could with me), that he’d really been absent from his body for a long time and so I was not to be upset that I wasn’t experiencing more grief. He was by her right side and then left nearest my head sending warmth and energy that both of us could feel. Day was impressed with how he was flitting about since she’d really never known him in his younger days. It told her that he as one of the “busiest” little beings I’d ever met…which she said makes sense as he described how busy he now is in his new life.
Jack made sure as she had been massaging my feet she looked up where I had arranged ‘his shelf’ on my entertainment center. It makes me feel good that he’s proud of my efforts on his behalf.
Black Jack has a new companion—still the black and white Shih Tzu-looking fella that had visited him while he was still here. We suspect that he may be a ‘soul companion’ from a past life, as I don’t recall him befriending anyone who meets that description in this lifetime. His new buddy is teaching him how he will take on a very important responsibility. He said he didn’t want to go into details more until he learns more, but it has something to do with newborns. Day and I told him he’s perfect for that—to infuse them with his infinite patience and caring ways. We had to reinforce this since he is so humble it was hard for him to accept the compliment.
When Day asked Jack about the yellow butterflies (that Day says she’s never seen in Arizona) he said, “yes, those were my friends.” And the heart-shaped cloud… ”well, I had a little help with that!” So today I must assume that the even more brilliant golden butterflies that demanded my attention again today were still more of his joyful friends, romping in green fields of flowers and blue skies. It was so fun to watch them flitter about together!
Day indicated that the angel who has loved him so much from the beginning of his transition stayed with him until he was ready to reach out and join in the activities on the other side. As in life, he sort of stayed back and observed as if he were a bit uncertain, even though he knew all those around him already. Perhaps he had been so used to just being with me…just being with me—mostly in the background but always there and usually in the same room. So he wanted to be sure I know that while he doesn’t announce his presence like Katie Lou did he visits often just to enjoy ‘hanging out’ with me as before. Now I can be more aware and appreciative of those ‘heart feelings’ that I’ve had all along, knowing it’s actually my boy still communicating his love and support to me.
Day was just in awe that he was so vibrant and could take the time out of his busy schedule in his new life of learning to join us for so long. Finally his pal nudged him that they had to go now…
Was the massage or the message more powerful…?

Since Black Jack's been gone...

Gone for one month… "Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~ Nathaniel Hawthorne” Sounds like Black Jack ‘speaking’…?
Since his departure: many, many sometimes mixed and confusing feelings and thoughts… I’m finding myself in a very unfamiliar space. Although I’ve experienced ‘voids’ before it was never quite like this. At one point as I was missing Black Jack desperately I realized that was focusing outside myself just as has been my tendency perhaps in order to hide from myself. So I asked myself, what would no longer hiding behind dogs, family, significant others, etc. look like? Wouldn’t it look more like living precisely as our dogs DO live—self-focused, no worries, always being completely present in the moment? And how would that translate into the ‘real’ world? I sensed a calm, serene strength… With no worries, the river of Good would automatically flow more smoothly—would gently guide me along. What does it really take to jump aboard that boat?
I’ve been accused of “Pollyanna-ish-ness” all my life and it’s time to realize this is a part of the masterpiece that I Am—I’m actually proud of it! It’s really not a bad way to live. There’s no need to strive to accomplish great things but rather to become the very best ME I can be, naiveté included.
Then today, on the day my boy has been gone for a whole month, while I miss him dreadfully one moment, it also feels somehow as if he was never here. That is heartbreaking on one hand and I know it must mean something on the other.
It’s really difficult to put into words all the unusual feelings and emotions that being responsible for only myself for the first time in life is evoking. So I’m “sitting back quietly” letting it all be okay, knowing Life “alights upon me”… Without Black Jack’s physical body to constantly focus on and care for, it seems much easier to hear his communications now…
Thank you my dear, dear boy!!

Sign from BLACK JACK...?

Yesterday, feeling a bit lonely I had the sensation, looking down at my feet, that another dog would be good company. Then I realized I’m not ready and it’s not all about being unable to bear the thought of care giving again yet. Rather it’s as much...that no dog could ever give as much as Black Jack did..., and in his own very special unique way. I want and need to bask in that gift for a while longer.
Then three sunflower colored butterflies kept me company as I hung and took down the laundry today...

NATIVE AMERICAN PRAYER

From our dear friend Kat:

NATIVE AMERICAN PRAYER
I give you this one thought to keep--
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on the snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone--
I am with you still--in each new dawn.

JUDY'S UPDATE ON THE 'SINGLE' LIFE!

I've been very busy (maybe too busy) since Jack left. I spent about 5 days visiting Robyn & Jim, then a day shopping in Prescott with a friend, another afternoon Sedona with another friend for a very long lunch and finally got to Sedona for the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" (the lessons of which seemed all for ME!). I also rearranged my office area as suggested by Day, my spiritual communicator, and have been finding places for some 'hand me down' home décor that I brought back me from Jim's—he’s condensing with Robyn and renting his home. I suppose this would called busyness, but sure is fun!
I also finally got Black Jack's ashes home where they belong. I was perturbed at first that they came in a white TIN box with black paw prints on it, until I realized that works better with his personality than the stately wooden box Katie's ashes are in. Now I’m 'perfecting' their special [separate] shelves on my entertainment center. I haven't 'heard' from Black Jack yet but I rather expected that I might not since I feel we had been complete for a very long time. His essence is a part of mine now and I know that on a deep level. It occurred to me that he filled me with so much love there was and is nothing lacking. I miss him of course, but I also know we're BOTH much better off--ESPECIALLY him!
SO I’ve not taken much time yet to just be alone. Instead I’m rather enjoying the 'flying' part for now I guess (like he is…)—consciously being open to what new experience, adventure, life awaits.

BLACK JACK's STORY still CONTINUES...

Five days later... There are seconds from time to time that I go to the past and the sad way Black Jack’s living & leaving looked to me, but I KNOW that his love is here and so I can immediately come back to the present JOY we both have the opportunity to bask in now. His little body contained SUCH a huge loving soul that now he's free of the heavy body we can all realize this even more.
My two friends who read spirit energy reinforced that so beautifully again today with their unsolicited messages from my boy!! I’m SO grateful.
Day told me she senses Black Jack's presence being with me a lot. The feeling is that he, like I, at this time is redefining his life, learning to enjoy other friendships and activities. His angel who loved him too much to go, left him to his fun immediately after she saw me on 8/9.
Kat wrote…Thank you so much for sharing with me all of the writings and how things went [with Black Jack]...I am so glad you feel free to be Judy, however that plays out for you. Black Jack is most ecstatically happy (still!) to be free, and your timing was just perfect. He is at peace, he feels free as a soul again, not trapped as he was in his body, and he is showing me that he is surrounding you with energy like a spiderweb – a 3-D spiderweb, of Love and Joy energy to brighten your days and give your heart comfort and ease. He is not sad at all – he is joyous, and wants that for you too, and [is] PERFECTLY OKAY with you feeling that way! The Love Lives On, my dear, as we know.
Black Jack is an amazing soul – thank you for the pleasure and honor of knowing him and working with him and you over the years.

BLACK JACK'S story continues...

THE REST OF THE STORY…
Jack & Judy’s journey
There is so very much that has come to light with Black Jack’s passing. I share our experience with the sincere hope that it might provide some nugget of Truth for you, too. Although not everyone is blessed to bond so long and so closely with their pet as I was allowed, I believe the same messages are offered by them to us all.
The transition of my loving companion has become a euphoric experience, but the journey wasn’t all ‘roses’…
I feared that my poor boy was staying even though struggling in his decrepit body because he might be sensing that I feared the unknown of re-inventing myself once he was no longer my entire focus. All my life has been centered on being of service to others never truly knowing Judy.
My fears were calmed enough to consider giving Jack his freedom by Robyn’s suggesting the next steps for my life be taken slowly, ‘one bite at time’.
On Sunday, August 8, following my contacting both Day and Kat, pet communicators, for their input and support, Kat shared that when the heavy energy around her care giving with her elderly dog lifted, she was able to move forward more clearly. It’s wonderful to have such wise counsel and one never knows from where it will come…
Also loving Jack, Kat immediately did the intuitive reading I’ve shared (Jack’s final words of wisdom and wishes) but Day didn’t get my email. However she called to come by for another, unrelated issue. Before she arrived she was being given messages from Jack that it was time. Both of my pet communicators had repeatedly told me that my boy would choose his departure time. I took their messages literally; they were able to show me he was indeed choosing by my coming to the conclusion he needed assistance to go now. Both of us were desperately trying to please the other—me thinking he wanted to stay, him waiting for me to be ready to let him go. So he did choose…
After a 3 hour drive, Robyn arrived the same evening and in telephoning answering services for the hours of veterinarians in the area, were led to a very caring doctor who was available 24 hours. It all seemed so fast that my head was swimming. But nothing would have changed, were his passing to be delayed another 12 hours—we simply would have both had one more difficult night.
So Black Jack demanded one more huge bowl of his food/soup. We read the prayers that Kat shared with us. I had his blue blanket in mind to take with us, but didn’t find it anywhere until the next day so I chose another one. On the drive to the vet’s office Black Jack was totally relaxed on my lap. It was such a ‘warm and fuzzy hug’ I wanted it to go on forever. But then Day returned a call I’d made earlier to her. While we were talking Black Jack indicated that he wanted her to get off the phone quickly so he could also finish enjoying his relaxing in my lap.
Black Jack knew exactly where and why we were there. He became agitated in my arms, even crying out and throwing his head back. I wondered if he were afraid, doing all I could to comfort him—but not enough. Just as the injection was being given he once again threw his head back which caused me more devastating concern! Robyn was there and reassured me that his eyes were peaceful as he left, so I was somewhat comforted. When it was all done he gently sighed…
August 9 was a day of grieving, doubting, missing him, reminiscing with laughter watching videos of him young and happy. What great therapy—now I can remember him this way and let go of the last sad several years. I’m so glad Robyn shared it with me.
Day was scheduled to visit again. And once more Black Jack sent her with messages so I could completely rid myself of any negativity around his transition. First, his agitation was his attempting to leave his body before I had to watch him receive the injection. The whole time his angel never left his side—even as he was throwing his head back that final time saying “I’m SO ready, take me!”. And if this were not the case, any pain, struggle, discomfort endured on this side is totally overshadowed by the exquisiteness that greets them.
The next confirmation was the gorgeous sunrise the next day.
August 10 was exhilarating because all I ever wanted was for my boy to be happy.
I’ve not had a visit yet, but rather feel him with me all the time as we simultaneously process our new joy, supporting one another. A few times I imagine hearing his quiet sounds in the night but instantly realize… When I begin to feel sorry for myself, I remember all these things, and of course that I got to care for him so very many years. The sadness is mixed with the freeing feeling that I no longer “belong” to anyone. This feels almost malleable like clay that I now get to mold into whatever I choose.
Yesterday and today I’m coming down to earth but feeling and determined to pay attention to my best Black Jack guidance! It seems quite strange to have choices that don’t revolve around anyone but myself—I’m managing to cope so far… Quite frankly it feels rather good to answer to just Judy for the first time in my life.

BLACK JACK from the 'other side'...

August 8, 2010, was numerologically a 10 day, about completion and release (one--new beginnings, zero--hidden meanings). This is the day Black Jack was assisted to leave his aging body behind so his spirit could fly free again. It has indeed proven to live up to its symbolism.
Yesterday, August 9, he conveyed to me through Day that he is ‘eating up’ the magnificence on the other side. He was very busy visiting with everyone, taking in all the love. Any pain or fear that he might have been experienced while in his body is completely irrelevant, minute compared to the awe surrounding him.
When he finally takes time to realize he’d better stop by to check up on Mom, I’m told he will be delivering all the love he was unable to physically show in the last few years of his decline.
The angel that was with him before and during his release just won’t leave him yet because she simply loves him too much. Day says she has never seen this happen before. Didn’t we all know he was special?
His lifelong companion, Katie Lou, and he really never bonded in this lifetime so understandably he has said hi to her but they aren’t hanging out together. In fact, the dog pal who visited Black Jack when he was still here is with him. He (or I prefer to think of this new friend as a she..) is white with black markings. I can only think that he must have been smitten with one of the puppies that was born around the time he was.
As for me and new beginnings, everything looks and feels gloriously new to me, too. I’m feeling Black Jack’s presence almost all the time as the partner he was when he was here, but in a deeper more profound way. It’s as if we are both embarking on exciting new adventures separately but together and buoyed up by what we’ve shared and learned from one another.
And hidden meanings…well, I’ll write lots more about that in later reports—all sort of mind boggling. There are no words to express the gratitude I’m feeling for having been blessed with the presence of such a ‘spiritual advisor’ for so many years. I thought to myself today, should I grow tired of the aloneness, I would be doing myself a disservice by not welcoming another wise animal into my life.

BLACK JACK on Final days...

I am tired, very very tired...it is frustrating to not be able to run
freely, to move easily, to Be as I was for so very long--active, athletic,
energetic...I have used this body
for a very long time, and it has served me well. It is tired and worn out, that
I know. And so . . .
...Mom is about to have to make a heart felt choice for her precious baby boy--together going into our 20th year.

Black Jack on GROOMING DAY!

Yesterday was grooming day again! Now, last time Day was here Mom had her ask me what I wanted her to do about my being groomed by Carla. I told them in no uncertain terms I really don’t like it; that I’d prefer they let hair, nails and all just grow. That I have more serious problems to think about than long hair or even long toenails. Well, neither of them thought that was a good idea, so I thought about it and responded as males will, “Awww, just let ‘em do whatever they want!”
Carla had also been thinking about a solution to my wobbly legs not holding me up when she is grooming which makes the rest of my body flop around on the table and gives me a headache from banging it around—no wonder I don’t like it, eh?! Together she and Mom came up with a solution.
Mom held me in her arms while Carla worked on me. The decided I didn’t need to be done perfectly, just maintained for my health and comfort so it was a shorter session, too. I still didn’t like it but I sure didn’t bump my poor head once! Maybe I can tolerate it this way the rest of the times I have left.
When we got home I forgot all about it again and snoozed…

BLACK JACK reports!

Day visited me again yesterday and sent me her soothing, loving energy. I really love that and today she was allowed to actually surround me with the most beautiful, peaceful pure love white light--what bliss that was! Usually she has just been able to describe it for me, but I sure hope she is allowed to share it with me lots more now. It feels so comforting that maybe I'll decide to stay there one of these days. It feels as if it is unconditional love coming from spirits just waiting to enfold me. Might not be a bad place to be... Otherwise I'm gonna just let my poor body give out because this side doesn't seem too bad, either--I'm still in no pain and rest comfortably most of the time. We had a brief discussion about how Mom and I share some of the same qualities… There's a part of me that knows Mom has a hard time with it sometimes, but it's really "no nevermind" to me (since we animals don't suffer from guilt and other useless human emotions)--and a small matter in the bigger scheme of things. Besides, all is in the right and perfect order just as it is. My mind sure is getting dimmer and dimmer, too. Lots of the time I sense my guides nearby so I never feel alone, but I think they are not bothering me too much because they know I'm so determined to stay at this time, so when it's time for me to go, their impact will be more meaningful to me. I kept showing Day a white dog with a tri-colored calico face, about the same size and look that I used to be. To Mom and Robyn it's a mystery as to 'anyone' in our past who could match that description. I know, though, it's a new playmate waiting for me on the other side. One day I'll go romp and play with her...maybe even "go make babies" (since I was such a 'stud' when I still had my manhood)!! Day says Katie is going to share one of her angels with me when I cross over, too, so she told Mom I'd have three angels instead of just two like she had. How beautiful it all is...that white/silver/gold shimmering light of the angels.

More inspiration from Black Jack!

Wow! Kat just shared some real compliments for me with Mom! Earlier she had told Mom I’m hanging in there because I enjoy being a sort of inspiration to her and that she’ll have to decide how I do that.
Mom responded, “I've known for a long time that he has been the root of MANY of my creative activities. So maybe there is something more I'm to be doing... I'll tell you one thing he has a HUGE following in Facebook/blogs/emails--and I believe he has been an inspiration to many, not just me. I just hope he knows that even when he's gone the 'work' he helped me begin won't end!”
Kat admitted “they’re all inspirations to us in some way, I think. But definitely Black Jack helps you with the creative aspect – he shows me him being like a party planner, coordinating the details of what’s to come, whatever “event” is happening next (whether that’s you doing an etching, or a drawing, or planting a flower, or whatever). It is really hard to describe this, because it’s very multi-layered/nuanced, but he in some manner holds and/or works with energy around you so that you are feeling your best creative self when you start the project, whatever it is. He is just so much bigger than his little body, but he is very subtle and quiet about it.
I have not doubt he’s got a HUGE following, he’s simply an inspiration (perhaps at least partly because he IS so much bigger than his frail/declining body) and absolutely ADORABLE.”
Boy do I love being called ADORABLE because sometimes I don’t think Mom can always see that as she cleans up after my failing body. I’m so GLAD the “partying” will continue!!

Special report from BLACK JACK!

6/9/10 I wanted to report that I made sure Day told Mom I did not want to go to Flagstaff with her on Tuesday. Although I never have made that trip with her I needed to be sure I was at home that day. I was happy that Susan came to visit--still love those belly rubs!
Truth is, I have been realizing that his old body just isn't serving me--lots of things just don't seem to work any more. So I thought maybe Tuesday would be a good day to leave the body behind. So I went to sleep more soundly than usual a couple of times during the day. When Mom awakened me upon her return, I was as limp as a rag which disturbed her just a tad. But I've reconsidered and dug into my food that evening, eating almost my usual full can of yummy dog food--then slept again like a baby last night (after the usual preliminary restlessness).
Sorry to say I'm having more accidents that Mom has to clean up and seems I require more help. I sure do appreciate all the special care & attention, but I do keep telling Mom not to worry so much about me!
I've worked through any trepidation I had about leaving, in fact one of my 'Guides' tried to reassure me that I could be with Mom even on the 'other side' but I figure why would I do that when I'm so comfortable being on THIS side! I also know that Mom will be okay, I simply want to 'hang' a bit longer. So I'll go when I'm sure I'm ready, or maybe when my body just wears out completely... I send my love to you my dear friends.

Request for BLACK JACK!

Last night my beloved ‘boy’ Black Jack had another restless night…crying out often in the dark. I could share all the things I tried to make him comfortable, but nothing seemed to really help. Since he’s healthy and not in any pain that I can ascertain, it appears to me that he simply is fighting to stay with “Mom” and not leave his physical body.
So today I’m requesting your help by using your method of choice to communicate with a higher intelligence (from prayer to affirmations) for Black Jack. Please ask that he realize it’s time to very gently leave his feeble body behind in favor of the next experience his soul deserves. Since we are all One and love our animals so much, I know this will help. Thank you.

PART 10 of Intuitive reading--BLACK JACK/Health & Comfort
Kat's NOTES: Black Jack is a delightful, sweet soul, Judy. It was truly a pleasure to connect with him for you in this way. He conveys a sweetness of Love and appreciation for you, and wants you to know that he does not in any way feel he is “suffering” at this time, even though he has slowed down and does have some stiffness/soreness especially in the back end.
SUGGESTIONS:
1. Bach essence for restlessness: Agrimony; Bach for indecision, imbalance: Scleranthus. 2 drops of each in a 1 oz bottle of filtered water, shake well to blend, then give him 4 drops of this 4 or more times a day, with at least one dose before bedtime. Can give as many doses as needed throughout the day/evening, no harm is caused by numerous doses. These are vibrational essences, they work on the mental/emotional states.
2. Blue for calming – place something blue (fabric, towel, etc.) near where he likes to lay.
3. NuVet Plus for his soreness/stiffness and for general health – see http://www.katberard.com/res_supplements_nuvet.htm for information and how to order. I recommend the powder, as it’s easier to dose and you don’t have to worry about whether he’d like the wafers or not. It’s also a great antioxidant formula, which is good for everything!
Please note that I am not a veterinarian. The information provided herein is not to be construed as veterinary or medical advice. It is offered simply for your consideration. Consult with your veterinarian and trust your intuition as to what feels appropriate for Black Jack.
Thank you for asking me to talk with Black Jack, Judy. I look forward to talking with you about the session.
Many blessings and hugs and Love to you and Black Jack,
Kat
Kathleen A. Berard
Animal Communicator, Bach Flower/Wild Earth Animal Essences Practitioner
and Holistic Animal Care Consultant
Intuitive/Spiritual Guidance for People
KATALYST FOR ANIMAL WHOLENESS, INC.
San Antonio, Texas 78247
210-402-1220
kat@katberard.com
www.katberard.com

PART 9 of Intuitive reading--BLACK JACK-SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR JUDY

*Kat What else do you want to say to Judy, or want her to know?
**Black Jack That I Love her very very much, and we are never far apart, even though we are in separate bodies. We have a bond, a closeness, of the [soul] that is very special, and we are together for always. Please let her know that. When I am gone from my Black Jack body, I want her to remember this. That I am not far away, I am Right Here, just as I am now. I will be with her in her heart, for always, I know this. I want her to know that she will always be in my [soul-heart] as well.
** Tell her thank you, very very much, for all of the good things she has done for me over our time together, and please ask her to know that I am very happy with how our lives together have gone. I know there were times, and still are times, that she worries about me; but ask her not to do that so much, and to just enjoy being “in the moment” with me. It’s okay if she wants to sleep more, like I do; she could use more sleep! [Black Jack conveys that he thinks sometimes you do not allow yourself to rest as much as you could/should, so he is saying to take naps if that would be helpful to you, like he does.]
*I’ll tell Judy, thank you.
*Is there anything else you would like to talk about before we close, Black Jack?
** No, I feel okay with what we have done today, Kat. Tell Judy not to worry, to be happy, to enjoy life in every moment, and to be as Big as she can possibly BE!! It’s good when Judy is Big, she has her energy about her and feels very centered at those times. Ask her to seek that [space/place/energy] every day, in every moment, and to let nothing pull her out of her center. She is a strong human, and she is very deserving of all good things, Kat. There are more good things coming her way, tell her that. She should not worry, all is well.
*I will do that, I know she’ll be happy to hear that, Black Jack.
*Thank you very much for talking with me today. It has been a pleasure connecting with you, and I wish you all the very best now and in the future on your Journey, Black Jack. Take good care of yourself, and enjoy every moment.
*Blessings to you, sweet Black Jack.
** Thank you, Kat! And blessings to you. [he sends me a big wave of Love and appreciation for you, Judy, that reminds of a star streaking across the sky but trailing a rainbow of beautiful colors in its wake. Just lovely; very sweet and comforting energy from Black Jack to you/for you.]
*Thanks, Black Jack, I’ll convey that energy to Judy.
*Take care, Black Jack.
** Bye, Kat!

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY, BLACK JACK!

So far Black Jack is choosing his second favorite pastime [since he is now enjoying his very golden years] to celebrate his birthday--soundly sleeping. Here is his second--eating, which has always been a special moment in all the days of his life. Lately he has taken to falling asleep with his face in his food dish! Here the after effects!

The latest in the Black Jack saga...

New 'wrinkle' in care giving for 'ancient' dogs...
Finally having gotten a working arrangement for both of us to get some sleep I got quite a start the other night. After last call, Black Jack settles in (usually) to his comfy bed away from Mom's room because he tosses so much during the night. This bed is 1/2 a good size dog crate with the entrance blocked. For a long while he has been unable to get out of it on his own so I had no worries. As has become the habit I awoke around 2 a.m. to take him out for his mid-night relief--I really hate wet beds and I'll bet he does, too. Well HE WASN'T THERE! In my half-awake state that was pretty startling. THEN I wondered where in the entire house he might have gotten himself trapped--under a bed or behind what furniture, like he used to do when still allowed to wander. Finally I found him. He had somehow gotten back to the utility room corner to do his 'business' (both) then ended up wedged under a chair that has a bar just the right height to hang his head over. Sad sight, but he was sound asleep in this position.
Attributing human reasoning to him, he must have just wanted to avoid his discomfort and my dismay in having to change and wash his bedding again--LOL!

$$Deposit info for May!

HAPPY MOTHERS’ DAY!!!

I TRUST THAT YOU’RE CREATING YOUR OWN HUGE ‘DEPOSITS’ IN THIS WONDERFUL AND PROSPEROUS 2010!!!!!!!!!

Recently I mentioned to a friend that I’m not sure what’s next in my life after my beloved 19 year old dog decides to leave his body. He suggested the book by Lynn Grabhorn, Excuse Me, Your LIFE Is Waiting.

Well, I had decided NO MORE ‘self help’ books but because he’s such a like-minded friend I checked it out online. Looked good, so I ordered one, then another (that I’ve already given to a friend).

It’s based on the LAW OF ATTRACTION of which Abraham long ago made us aware. While those readings through the Hicks family seemed logical and simple to me even then, they felt just too vast for me to become a serious student.

Well, Lynn, in her humorous and down to earth style has blended them with her own life experiences into this palatable (even enjoyable) book.

She claims (and I think we’d all agree) this simple ‘key’ is the “greatest missing link [from all the other ‘self-help’ literature out there] to life and living ever known to mankind!”

How could I NOT share with you all?!

Today I just happened to be reading about how we really CAN help turn the economy and world situation around—which of course includes our individual financial circumstances as well!!

Here’s part of what she writes (paraphrased in part)…

I absolutely know you’ve noticed like I have, that in bad times all we seem to hear, everywhere we go, is how bad, bad, bad things are. Even in good times we humans tend to enjoy complaining, don’t we—prices too high, corporations too greedy, government incompetent, etc.? EVERY NEGATIVE WORD OUT OF OUR MOUTHS IS “MAKING IT BIGGER, STRONGER, AND MORE DANGEROUS THAN IT WAS BEFORE [WE] STARTED BAD-MOUTHING IT”!

We may feel we had nothing to do with the condition it appears the world is in right now, but THAT’S NOT TRUE. Each of us is a part of the mass consciousness flow—everything we think and feel has had and continues to have a monumental impact whether we believe it or not.

As difficult as it may seem we MUST ‘flow some Feel Good energy’ to the situation—simply seeing things as we know they are meant to be.

This very simple key works 100% of the time whether for: The economy,

Global conflicts & gang wars,

Moral issues,

Mass killings,

AND our own financial situation,

As well as all else ‘bad’ personal or world wide that appears to be true!

Of course I highly recommend this book if it ‘speaks’ to you.

From The Quartus Report, Charlene Bradshaw (whose husband served in the military, willing to give his life for our freedom) reinforces this formula (again paraphrased in part)…

She says, “Our role in all of this from the human standpoint is nothing…until disagreements are resolved within the consciousness that created them, each situation will continue toward its just end or until there is the spiritual awakening of the collective mind.”

“While all this ‘drama’ continues”, she goes on, “we are not to pray for good to overcome evil, as this thought places us in the framework of duality. We are to rise above duality, come together in mind and heart with one another…go within and up to that highest frequency in consciousness, release the Light, Love and Energy...” and see only what we know CAN be.

TIME TO TURN THINGS AROUND in 2010—

simply by FEELING GOOD!!!!!!!!!

I’m also still having a blast ‘cheer leading’ and enjoying our now very large group of pet lovers on Facebook (search for judysjrny@gmail.com and I’ll gladly be your friend!). If you’re on you can join in the fun AND good resources/work at the group (search for) PET LOVERS.

Black Jack on Mom's SLEEPING solutions!

I'm thinking my days of sleeping in Mom's bedroom may be OVER. I remember a very long time ago that I was able to jump up on the bed and make myself at home (along side Katie Lou). Because she feared I'd try to jump down and seriously hurt myself, Mom began making me sleep in my bed beside hers. Then when I kept getting lost wandering the house in my darkness, she 'closed' my bed so I'd stay there. Sometimes I long for those freedoms, but in the bigger picture I know it's for the best. I’m less confused and I love that it helps Mom have a less stressful life.

And now if I can manage to pee near bedtime for Mom, she sleeps more soundly. However she is so very vigilant that she has been awakening at my every move in order to be there for me should I struggle to change positions or need to relieve myself again during the night. Recently, due to lack of sleep for so long, continuing to maintain her health has been in question--along with her sanity. I've tried to tell her in many ways not to worry or fuss so much over me. If I fall I can usually get up myself even if it takes some effort.

So I'm pleased to report that night before last, seeing this night headed in the same direction, she put me in my 'kitchen bed' so she wouldn't hear me toss and turn. It worked--then when Mom gets up at about 1:30 for her own ‘potty break’, she gets me up and I’m ready to go again, too. Then we can both go back to sleep soundly again until morning—nice we’re so ‘bonded’ that we’re on the same schedule, isn’t it? Not sure I like being awakened from a very sound sleep but the timing is perfect. This could be the perfect solution for this phase of our life together since the same routine worked perfectly last night, too.

PART 8 of Intuitive reading--BLACK JACK-MORE ON JUDY

*Okay, that’s a great idea, Black Jack. I’ll let her know. What other things do you want Judy to know?

** That she should not stop doing what she Loves to do, no matter what. To always keep expressing her creativity, her energy, her Love for all things, through her work. Because her Work is really Who She Is. She is a bright Light, Kat, and she needs to know that. She is a Light for many many many humans, and she should please keep doing what brings her the pleasure in her heart and mind and soul for the beauty that she shares with the world. It is not enough to simply do it, it is important to keep sharing it with others, because it [evokes] many things in many humans, seeing a beautiful expression of Love the way Judy does her Work.

** And remind her, that as a big bright Light, she is “bigger” than the day-to-day worries of being human. Ask her to always stand in her [soul]-Light, to always come from that place in her Self in all she does, whether that is how she takes care of her Self, or how she shares her Self with others, or how she helps others, or how she engages with the world. Always from the [soul]-Light. She is a very bright Light, Kat, and I do not want her to make her Self small, in any way, ever. She has worked very hard to come to the place of expression of Who She Is, in a big way, and I want to ask her not to let go of that, for any reason, for any person or way of thinking or way of being or place of living.

** Let other Lights come to her, and engage with her, as much as she seeks out the Lights to engage with. There are many on Earth who are doing this, Kat, and she is in good company. Tell her not to worry, there are more coming her way, there will be many more grand adventures to engage in and to enjoy most fully! [Black Jack “smiles” – he has great great Love and appreciation for Who You Are, what you do, how you express your talents, how you share your Love of others with others, and he is very proud of you being Who You Are now, that you do not hide and make yourself small. He wants you to continue to expand that Light, to keep expressing your Self through your Work and to also do Work for your own pleasure, not just for others.]

*I’ll let her know, thank you.